Nuku Nuku IKIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASU!

   Feel like updating again. My page looks so dumb. Just these little things, at least I have little sub-pages to save my page from total boredom. Wog's page isnt like this, though. He updates with stuff that is deep, usually. Sometimes its about rolling peanut butter in powdered sugar tho. Oh well, mine are just whinings. I re-watched the Dennis Miller 100th episode special ep. It was funny. I found it hidden on a tape, and something he said sparked my attention. It was "somethin pissin ya off? go ahead," urgin David Spade to do a "micro-rant". Now, that is what I feel like. If somethin pisses me off, here is where I'll write about it. If something intrests or gets my attention, here is where I talk about it. This is my online diary, but is open for all of you to see. Blah blah blah.

Chow Yun-Fat is my hero

   Have you seen a Chow Yun-Fat movie (besides the Replacement Killers)? If you havent, you are missing out. Chow Yun-Fat is a great actor, although I have only seen two of his movies (Replacement Killers and The Killer), one of them (The Killer) almost brought me to tears. Partly because of the story (John Woo is a genius) and partly because of the terrific acting by Chow Yun-Fat.

   Reading reviews and other miscellaneous things on the web, I am quickly becoming obsessed. From the one-on-one encounters with Chow, he seems to be a very nice person, just like some of his on-screen personas. Chow Yun-Fat, onscreen, personifies coolness. He is the emboidment of cool. More on my obsession to come later, be sure of it.

Im supposed to be doing my English right now... shh...

   I get so off-track while doing things... I originally started doing my English project (due tomorrow of course), and started browsing web pages. Browse browse browse, and now its 8:30 pm. Well, now I decide to update my page, for what reason? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!

   I am going to make an anime zine. Yes. It will be cool. The first issue should be done by this weekend, cuz I plan on working on it. I think an anime zine will be cool. Do you want one? I'll soon make a webpage for it, so dont worry.

   So many things when Im supposed to be doing English. How about my crush? Well, I've given up. In life, you must learn to leave what isnt working out right, right? Well, maybe one last go at it... maybe just tell her how I feel, but I'm too weak/ scared/etc. for that.

   Well, now back to English.

I guess Im having "one of those days"

   Is it just me? Have you felt like this too? Misunderstood? Yeah, well its just one of those days.

I had one friend ask my why I whine about my crushes so much. I said its becaue its whats important to me. He said that its alright, as long as I dont treat my other friends differently. I dont think I have been treating anyone differently, and if I have, its certainly not because of any girl-type stuff I have been going through. I dunno. He said that I wouldnt know if I was treating him differently, but I cared to differ. I said that if I *was* treating him differently, then his response to that bad treatment would be visable to me. He didnt get that.

*sigh* Im not even going to try (explaining, or anything) any more. Nobody cares anyways. Everyone and their stupid misunderstandings, and they dont even try to understand, or is it me and im not trying to understand? Is it me being stubborn and dumb, or you guys? I dont know anymore.

This cool quote...

   "We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

I like that quote. It reminds us that there is no "Perfect Person" out there, and that sometimes the imperfect people are the ones who are perfect. Have I learned to see an imperfect person perfectly? Well, for short periods of time, yes. What this quote explains more are crushes. When you have a crush, you see one side of a person, the good side. You are oblivious to the person's bad qualities, and when you are suddenly faced with the fact that the person is imperfect you are suddenly not as attracted as before. If you can get past that stage, and accept the bad things that you see in the person, that is when (I think) you have something between you. Even if it's *not* mutual...

Updated with no updates?

   Umm... just felt like updating, but didnt really have anything to update with. A new quote that I made up is "I am me." I dont do things cuz of other people, I do them cuz its what i wanna do. Maybe that is bad, because in life u dont always get what u want, and u arent always approved of because of your ideas and morales.

   Hmm... I think I'll talk about swimming. Swimming is hard, but fun. You can make cool friends on the team, cuz its a team, ya know? Anyways, dont dis swimming, cuz its probably harder than anything that *you* have done! Biznatch.

Maybe I shouldnt ASSume things.

   Look where ASSUMING got me tonight, sitting by myself at home again. Well, whats going on in my life? Obviously a shortage of friends, because if one concert is going on, then all my friends are there. Not very good. The friends who arent there (count: less than 10) dont wanna do something with me anyways. Well, arent I the popular one? Oh yeah, I added the MORE STUFF link at the right for stuff that I didnt wanna put here, but I wanted somewhere. There is stuff about Cancers there, and I have found it to be very accurate for me.

"Sorry" pt. II

   Maybe I am that thing that dizy said I was (I forgot what its called), but its someone who doesnt like anyone being sad, so they sacrifice their own happiness for others. Why dont I like people being sad? I have no idea, but it makes me sad to see others sad, so I try to help. I think this is the reason that I apologize for things so much. By saying that I am sorry, I take the blame for things others may have done. Then, they are not as sad, right? Well, that is what I believe, but I also know its wrong. I know that saying that I am sorry doesnt really help anything, but I still do it. So futile, are my ways.

"Sorry I ruined your life."

   I was just thinking... about people apologizing to me or whatever. Its really weird, how people just say "Im sorry for acting like ____" or whatever they say. It doesnt sound like they are really sorry, but when u question the aucenticity of the apology, they get defensive like "Well what do u want me to do, get down on my knees?!?!" So I either accept the crappy no-good sounding apology, or not accept it and look like a whore.

   How does a simple word make up for all the crap that people have done to me?

   ... but me and my hypocriticism... I am known to say "I'm sorry" and apologize for *everything*, so whats up? Arg, too tired to think bout this... /_\

Breaking

   Breakdancing is fun. It gives u a nice workout, and it is an enjoyable activity as well. You build up your strength, rhythm, and flexibility, plus get to engage in a cool-looking and respected art. I am learning breakdancing. I am learning how to do all the stuff. what do I want from this? Well, I dunno. Mostly a closer friendship with some people. Breaking is the common bond, but it seems like they dont want me to break with them. Oh well. I guess I can do it for myself too. There must be some other reason, though. Some other reason to be putting my body thru bad times. Yeah, I want to build up my body and not be a lazy slob that sits at his computer, and I want to be able to do something that not many people can do, but I can already hold a decently knowledgable conversation about anime (not just Dragonball or Sailor Moon). So what do I want? I'm lost yet again...

   The new thing to the right is a breakdance movie of a japanese breaker (its big over there) doing these broncos, two handed AND one handed, then he rolls and does a little mini-suicide thing. Its about 770k.

Umm... relationships?

   Relationships suck. Actually, its prolly just me that sucks. I get these little crushes on girls so easily, and I dont know what to do to stop it! I *want* a relationship with a girl, like a concrete one. Why am I spending so much time whinin bout girls lately? Well, all my friend problems are okay, I guess. So be happy for me! I can just wallow in my looserness instead of self-pity. Good for me! *clap clap*

dizy's stuff.

   I guess I'll hop on the the "Put quotations as your title" bandwagon (see:Zwenk? or dizy's page). Hehe... this is funny. I found it on dizy's new page. She has a kinda notebooky thing only with poems n stuff. She also has this zine, but I dun think it has a webpage yet. Anyways, here is the link, its at http://members.xoom.com/dizavore/.

I want.

I want someone by my side,    I want someone to confide    in me and my crazy ideas,    To have and to hold    until the end.

I want a person to be there for me,    I want a person to believe    that I will always be    there,    for them,    to hold,    always.

   A little poem thing i made up right now, so sorry if it sucks. I just want someone... a girlfriend I guess. Im pretty pathetic, eh?

Stupid people

   As most of u may know, I recently got in a car accident. Nobody was hurt, but while I was waiting for the cops, I noticed that when people drove by, things like "Learn to drive!" were being shouted and people were laughing as they drove by. Well, that just shows how stupid and inconsiderate the general population is. I mean, if those people were to get in a wreck, they wouldnt appreciate the laughing and inappropriate comments.

   So, has the general intellegence level of high school students gone way down or what? All of a sudden, a car accident is funny? Well, its not so funny when YOU are in it... and its not so funny when someone gets hurt either. Luckily, nobody was hurt in this one. Just a little... accident I guess. I mean, it *was* my fault for not looking properly, but if u knew the hill, u know its almost impossible to look properly. So, im not defending myself, the record says its 100% my fault and I agree.

   I just wanna know what the heck is up with people driving by and laughing, and yelling comments. That pisses me off so much. People are so inconsiderate, stupid, and only think about themselves. Of course, there were the people who drove by and asked if everyone was okay, which almost started to make up for the other people's actions, but it really didnt. Oh well, I'll just let those stupid people live their stupid lives, not hoping that they get in a car accident, but that someday they will stop being so.. grr... STUPID!

Lots thoughts here, might wanna read

   In Maya Angelou's book Wouldn't Take Nothin for My Journey Now there is a story about her visiting her aunt(?)'s store(?) when she was younger. She told how people would come in and complain about the weather, the field being to hard to plow, and other petty things. She then quoted her aunt, and it was a great quote. I cant remember it word for word, but it went something along the lines of

   If you don't like something, change it. Don't complain about it.

   ... Right now, in my friends' and my own life we are going through a LOT of really bad, emotional, and confused times. In other words, we are 16 year olds. So many different feelings that sometimes we just want to quit this game of life, but we shouldnt, and we shouldnt talk about stuff like that. Suicide is stupid.

   I am trying to say, if you want to change something about your life, dont complain. Just change it! Now. I *know* most of you (readers) are saying "You stupid hypocrite. You are telling us not to complain, but do something, and what do I see on this page? Yer stupid whining and babbling on about how your life sucks."

   For me, and maybe some of you, writing about my problems helps solve them. When you write, you get rid of alot of frustration and start to see things clearly in an otherwise foggy place. Writing helps you see the problem so you can solve it better. I mean, over half of these things I write about were fixed within a day or two after writing about them. Writing, for me, really helps alot.

   So people, do whatever you need to do, be it write, talk to friends, draw, go outside and yell at the top of your lungs, whatever, just change things in your life if they arent going your way. You have the power to do that. If life is gettin ya down, dont sit and complain. It may seem like I do by the looks of this page, but I dont just sit here and complain. I try to explain what happened, and in turn, that helps me see what happened because the person things are happening to tend not to see clearly. I can say that from experience. This is how I get my problems down, look at them, and change them.

   Changing your life may seem hard, but ya just gotta do it. It will help you out in the long run. It's kinda like that running away thing I wrote about earlier. Running away doesnt solve anything. The problems are still there. The only way you can beat your problems is if you confront them. Running doesnt solve that, and complaining doesnt either.

   Yeah, I am sounding very hypocritical, but this is how I work. My opinion is that everyone should get a webpage where they can talk about their problems like this. It has really helped me, and I'm sure it would help a few of you out there too.

Better

   I'm better now. Thanks everyone who helped me.

Fuck me. I wont get it. I dont get it. I never get it.

   Yep, the title pretty much says it all. So, I wont get it. I abused my friendship. I said "Oh, lets be friends" then I got all mad.

   Hey! Good thing that is EXACTLY what happened! Now, how did you hear about this? Oh, I see, from ONE person. Well, wouldnt that be sort of a biased opinion? No? Oh yeah, my opinion and point of view is shit. Oh well, its not under my power what point of view you see things from. I dont really care. So, I just screw around with friends cuz im sadistic, and dont care. I dont get it. what exactly is "it"? Friendships? Other People?

   Yeah, you'll prolly yell at me for writing this. Uh-oh, he has been hurt. Ryan screwed with him. Ryan got mad, punish Ryan. He gets mad, he said "God, I fucking hate you" Ryan get punished for that too. He never get punished, cuz he is always right. Ryan is always wrong. I have never said "I hate you" to him, but he said it to me, and turned right back around and said "I'm sorry". what the hell is "I'm sorry" supposed to compensate for? "GOD, I FUCKING HATE YOU!" how blatent is that? If I said that to someone, I better freakin mean it, cuz to me, that is set in stone.

   Oh yeah, I dont count. Apparently a "GOD I FUCKING HATE YOU" can be erased with "I'm sorry" and everything is okay. Does everyone BUT me agree with that? Good, cuz thats what it seems like.

   Okay, so now, I am irate for some reason (dont ask me, but OH! I have to have a reason, cuz im Ryan, right? Well, lets say.. umm... oh, i stubbed my toe. Okay, how insignifigant and pointless is that? Even if the person I cared most about spit in my face and walked away wihout saying a word, it would still be as insignifigant as stubbing my toe. So why even bother to try to explain it?) and a person comes on, and does the actions mentioned earlier in this page. Makes me feel like a piece of crap. Oh well. Too bad, Ryan. I'm just treating you like what you are! No! You dont have the right to get mad! Oh, you got mad. FUCK YOU!! YOU NEVER GET ANYTHING!! YOU BASTARD!! RYAN YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU JUST ABUSE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS!! IF YOU ABUSE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS, YOU WONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS LEFT. I HOPE YOU DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS LEFT. YOU ARE A PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.

   So, answer me this, is it possible for me to do something that is right? I mean, I try to do good stuff. Dont I have the right to get mad? Apparently not. So now that I am stripped of one of my basic rights, I can only be happy. Now, when people screw around with me, I can just grin and bear it. Thats nice.

   My biased point of view of course. Apparently nobody shares this point of view except me. I wrote this while very angry... so some of it might not make sense or somethin. Most of it is probably a bunch of "Poor me" shit anyways. Just ignore it. I'm sure you dont care anyways. I'm also sure with this, I am fucking up a friendship that I really dont wanna fuck up. FUCK! I HATE THIS!! I'm sure you can find that everything I say here is wrong too. Im sure that I AM 100% WRONG! Why? cuz thats just how it is.

On a related note...

   I try my absolute hardest to make everyone happy. That is all I care about. Sure my parents call me selfish, and I wanna smack them everytime they do because I truly do not think that I am selfish. Is that a selfish way of thinking? I dunno. Probably.

   So now, I have people ignoring me, and generally not caring. I think about other people all the time, but nobody thinks about me. Maybe its because they are used to me being submissive, that they can all of a sudden be opressive. Just because I am a nice guy to you guys doesnt mean you can treat me like a piece of crap. Maybe I will have to stop being so submissive.

   So, I stop being submissive. I dont do everything that everyone asks me. I dont act evil, I just dont do everything. I buy people lunch, but I dont call people's houses for them to see if they can hear the beep when the cop calls because they HAVE to be on the fone, ya know? Things like that. My friends cant abuse their power I have granted them, so I take it away. Now, everyone is mad at me. They dont know why, but I do. I'll give you three guesses. I'm sure you can figure out my way of thinking.

   This makes me irate, and generally angry alot of the time, but I really dont want people freaking using me, and not being happy when I refuse to be used. So, what do I pick, being angry and irate, or having people use me. I have no idea.

   Now, to all of you that are reading this, I'm sure your like "Oh, but I do care about Ryan" or "what the hell is he talking about? I care!" or "Ryan you stupid bastard, what the hell are you talking about? Im not using you! Nobody is using you! You are just stupid. Open up your eyes and see the whole picture. You really are being a selfish bastard. You dont think about anybody but yourself, and set up this stupid little webpage to whine about every single event that happens in your life because *FIST* you want to, you have the means to, and nobody can stop you. You put yourself in a freakin pedestal and think you can have everything you want. what the hell are you talking about in this column anyways? You havent done anything for me. You always do stuff for yourself, you are so selfish. "

   Do you care? I hope some of you can convice me that what I wrote here is wrong.

My first whining on my new sheet

   Ya know what really makes me feel like a piece of crap? When people are talkin to ya online, then tell you "goodbye" or whatever they say to indicate that they are leaving, then they dont leave. Actually, they stay ON for like half an hour to an hour. They dont even tell you either. It makes me feel like they were sick of talking to me, so they just lied to make me stop.

   Now, I know this is really dumb, but its my page, and how I feel. When I say 'bye' to someone, I expect them to leave. If something were to come up, and they weren't leaving, they could say "Hey, I'm not leaving yet, so you can still talk to me" or something to that effect. But. There are always those who just say "goodbye" and sit online for awhile, and I dont really wanna IM them cuz I dont want to find out that they really are there. I pretend that they arent. I pretend that they *didnt* lie to me.

   I know you are sitting there, asking yourself "Well, what business of yours is it if they sit online or not, regardless of what they say?" Answer: None. I have no control over if they sit there or not, or for what reasons. I have no say in any of that either. what I do have a say in is people just forgetting about me, "oops, i forgot about you." That really makes me feel good. Also, people not bothering to tell you that what they said earlier was untrue, you just gotta go find out for yourself.

   Hey everyone, thanks for carin about me.

Old Stuff, New Stuff, its all the same

   The loading time of my page was gettin pretty long (for a basically text-only page) and it was getting pretty big, so I moved it (its still here! dont worry!) and am starting on a new sheet of web paper. If you miss the old stuff already, or need to catch up on my whining, I have added a new link under the "Other Stuff" section to your left. It's called Old Stuff, and is my old page. All of it has been saved and preserved in special web page juice so it will always be here for you guys to read, as fresh as when u first read it. Enjoy!