old stuff. november and december 2000

01:35 AM | 00.12.30

I often say that I do nothing. I also say that I am too busy to do things. So, what am I? Too busy, or not doing anything? How about too busy not doing anything. That sounds about right.

In this town (Des Moines, IA) there isn't much to do. Example: I have gone to a certain bookstore for the past 3 or 4 days straight to see if they had a certain magazine in. Borders bookstore and Giant Robot magazine, if you were curious. Anyways, you may wonder why I don't just call and see if it's in. Well, because there is nothing better to do than to drive all the way across town to a store I have been to the day before. Pretty bad, huh?

Well, it's not like I find different fun stuff to do. Just a few minutes ago in the car Greg and I were talking about the past week. Last Friday seems so far in the past to me. I can't believe that just one short week ago I quit my job at Pechiney and celebrated by going to Ohana Steakhouse. In this one week I have done something every night! I have busied myself (what?) with ... well, just things! It doesn't matter what I am doing, as long as it's fun, and it has been fun.

So, I have one more week of break after this, then college starts. I think I'll enjoy it. In fact, I know I will!

12:25 AM | 00.12.25 - Merry Christmas!

Hey everyone! Today, forget about all your worries and be happy. Today is the one day out of the year when everyone can get along and think of each other first. Of course, it's kind of stupid to set aside one day where everyone is supposed to act nice, why not do it every day? But, I can't complain, because at Christmas people actually think of others and have this strange sort of happiness about them. I love it.

Well, I bet you're wondering what I got. Here is a list:
Little Nemo 1905-1914 book
Batman: Animated book
blur best of blur CD
Weezer pinkerton CD
Se7en: Platinum Series DVD
Shanghai Noon DVD

Of course, I am getting a PS2 (to play the DVDs I got) whenever my parents can find one, so that is the bulk of my Christmas. Well, have a Merry Christmas everyone!!

02:50 PM | 00.12.19

Regret is one of the worst types of sorrow. You can only feel regret after you have acted in a way you wish you hadn't, or after you haven't acted at all. Regret hits you only after something bad happens, and only adds to whatever sadness comes from the event. Regret is like your conscious, but only there to scold you after the fact. It never allows you to curb your actions before they take place. In the back of your mind, it's always there, always picking at you and exponetially aggrevating any bad feelings.

Regret does allow you to change your actions, but only after you have acted them out before. It shows you the error of your ways in tangible events and feelings. It's like the burning of the oven when you are a child. The burning hurts, but you will never do it again.

"I won't ever do that again."
"I wish I hadn't..."
"I wish I would have..."
"If I could only have one more day, I would do it all differently."

This is regret. This monster is invading my mind right now.

11:47 PM | 00.12.12

Just wanted to update on 12/12 =P

So how is everyone? I know, I have been slacking a bit. Only three updates in about half a month. What's up wit dat? Nothin, just busy doing nothing. All the high school kiddies got the last TWO (yes, TWO) days off for snow days. Guess where I was? Yep, at WORK! Lazy bums.

Nothing new is really happening with me. Band stuff is going well, adding more and more songs. We want to start doing shows around April. I really want to do some shows! We were invited to play a Christmas party of some sort, but we don't think we are ready yet. Our setlist consists of about 8 songs (covers included). We want to have about 20 originals plus how ever many covers we see fit.

...but we still don't have a name. Hey! It'll come to us! We don't really need one, but it would be nice to have one. Since, you know, when you mention that you are in a band to people they ask: "What do you play?" first and soon the "What's your guys' name?" question follows. Not having a name makes us sound really... I don't know. Unprofessional? Well, we are. I don't know how to say it, but I just want a name! If for nothing more than to answer those peoples questions.

School? I go register for DMACC tomorrow. Wish me luck! Or something...

06:00 PM | 00.12.05

Here I sit, waiting beside the tree all by myself.

I like the new Weezer song. It's really mellow and melodic. It reminds me of... me. It reminds me of all the girl stuff I always go through.

So, the girl stuff (see update below) has offically ended, before it even began. I am just going to be friends with her. As I said below, that is fine with me! No hard feelings, and I'm kind of happy that I didn't give what little bit of my heart that I still own to her.

In case anybody was keeping score, that now comes to 1 semi-girlfriend for me (long broken up), an infinate amount of crushes, and an infinate amount of time devoted to thinking about them, an infinate amount of heartache, and an infinate amount of strength from me that it would take for me to even say "Hi" to any of them.

Actually, now there is no girl for me. Maybe I should just stop looking.

11:39 PM | 00.12.03

Girl stuff. Again. New stuff this time. Old feelings coming back. Uncertainty. Inadequacy. Stupidity.

Don't want to hurt others, but don't want to give up this chance.

Why do I like her? Just because of something she is? Maybe, but I truly think there is something there for me to like. It may be the simple fact that I can change her.

So... whatever. I hope something good comes out of it. The least that I'll get is a new friend, and I have absolutely no problem with that.

03:29 AM | 00.11.26

Why am I still up? I have been on screwed up sleeping patterns this whole awesome Thanksgiving break. Monday night I stayed up until 3 AM. I got up at 5 AM on Tuesday. Then, I stayed up all of Tuesday and went to bed at about 4 AM on Wednesday. Ever since then I have been on a 4 AM - 3 or 4 PM sleep schedule. Tonight is no different. I am going to *make* myself get up at 10 or 11 tomorrow morning, though. It is the last day before I have to go back to work again (bleh), so I figure I should not screw myself over on Sunday night by staying up until 4 and getting up at 7.

Well, tomorrow is Greg's 2nd birthday party (happy belated birthday greg, by the way). I think it will be more fun than the last one. Hopefully it will. Tomorrow Casey leaves for California again, everyone goes back to college, and it's back to the old gang again. The old gang consisting of everyone in the band plus some other people. Sure, we are in a band together, but we are also the best of friends. Especially Ryan, Greg, and myself. I just never get tired of these guys. That is how, I think, you can tell if you really get along with somebody. When, after all the topics have been exhausted, after all the new news has been reported, and after old news has been told again, after all of this, we still find things to talk about. That is how it is with Greg and Ryan. Take tonight for example. Over a rousing game of Super Puzzle Fighter 2 Turbo (one of the BEST puzzle games in existance) Ryan and myself talked for a good 2 hours. Straight. About everything. From people needing to lighten up in our society, take a step back and laugh at ourselves, to our band, to college, to society. I love conversations like these, where we just go on and on. You really get to know a person by doing this.

One person who has disappeared over the Thanksgiving weekend is Katelyn. Where have you been?

Well, since I am getting up early tomorrow (yes, early *is* 11:00 AM) I think I better be heading off. I just wanted to lighten up the mood of the page after that last kind-of-depressing entry.

Thanks to all my guestbook-signers. Sorry it is so unkempt! I'll try to make it cooler... somehow. Oh yeah, to all you people who enjoy the pic on the left sidebar thing of me (yeah, that is me... awesome huh?) there are more in the me section. Check 'em out!

03:19 AM | 00.11.23

Sit back for this one...

Once upon a time, there was this kid, let's call him me. Well, I was stupid back in the day, so I decided to go searching for this new wonder I found called blogs. They were a curious thing, something like I have been doing for a while, but different too. People were more motivated, more serious about their journals. I went out to find some cool blogs for daily reading material when I stumbled across hers. Let's call her "her".

So, convinently enough, she had her screenname on her page. I decided, after a few days of reading about her life, to initiate a conversation with her. I thought I would do well, since I do pretty well talking to people online. We chatted for a bit, and I noticed that she, well... she wasn't really *interested*. I think I took this personally.

I shouldn't have, though. I was pretty selfish in thinking that she hated me or disliked me. Maybe we just weren't compatible, so I strived to find some sort of common ground between us, to attempt to start us off on the right foot. Our conversations, albeit brief and interlaced with many long pauses, almost went well. However, I was still taking the lack of 100% attention from her very personally. I have no reason for this, other than I really liked her and wanted her to be my friend. A lot. Too much, probably.

I got pissed off at her.

I mean, she wouldn't give me 100% of her time and attention, so I thought she was the worst person in the world. I said I hated her. I told everyone that I hated her and how horrible she was. I decided to take her name off my buddy list and stop reading her page. Basically, I cut off all contact with her for a few months. I had something against her, something that she probably didn't know.

I believe around this time I emailed her, telling her that I just wanted to be friends, etc. I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but she never responded. That put the icing on the cake for me, and I totally cut off conversations and contact with her. I even forgot how much I "hated" her and a few months later, I decided to try again. I am a persistent guy, aren't I?

So, I read her blog again for a few days. She happens to have an entry about people who she talks to online, and how they seem to become irritated and want attention from her all the time. She makes reference to this happening to her before, and I assume this is about me. So, I decide to email her and apologize. I did. I apologized for everything I had done, and realized that it reminded me a lot of what I sent her before. Maybe she would get sick of reading the same thing from me time after time, but on the other hand maybe she would have forgotten by now. I sent that email off, wishing for a reply. Wishing she would email me back saying "Hi! Sure, we can start over again. I forgive you for being an asshole." No email came.

I decided to check her blog a few days later (I love when people write about me, like any ultra-egotistical bastard), and lo! and behold! She wrote about me. I think... I mean, I really wish it wasn't about me, but logic can only lead me to believe it's about me. The entry starts off "Congratulations. You know who you are." Well... I don't even know if this is me! But, I believe that if I even think for a second that it is me, then it's probably me. See, here's the funny thing, she assumes I know who I am (if it's me) but I'm so f-in' stupid that I don't know. Crap. Well, anyways...

Her entry pulls a classic me-stunt. The stunt turns everything around so that it seems like she is to blame for something that isn't remotely her fault. She attributes her lack of conversation skills and other things to this whole situation. Maybe some of those things are true, but I don't think that they are the cause of it. I know that it is all my fault, and because of me she now will not talk to strangers online.

Maybe it's really selfish of me to think that it is my fault, but I sort of want it to be my fault. A punishment, of sorts. God knows I feel horrible, and want to email her again. But, by the way she reacted to my last apologetic email, I think she would take it the wrong way and end up blaming herself again. I don't want to do that anymore, but I do want to tell her how I feel. I didn't mean for any of the last email I sent to be hostile or anything. I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I don't think I get any more chances now. I can't even say I'm sorry. That is what hurts the most, I think. The fact that I acted like such an idiot that I can't even say I'm sorry without her questioning it. I don't know why. I don't know why I even try anymore. Back in the day, when she (not the one who this entry is about) broke up with me, she said I was really selfish, but didn't realize it. I told her that was the worst kind of selfish. Maybe I am that selfish. I really try not to be, but that is really bad if I am, and I am trying not to. Imagine if I just stopped trying.

I can't even imagine it.

So, you know who you are, I know you have heard this, I know you probably won't ever read this, but I am truly sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I wanted to be friends, but I also wanted all of your time and energy devoted to me. It was really stupid of me, but I wanted you to talk to *me* whenever you were online, for the entire time until you got offline. I wanted so much from you, and now other strangers like me won't ever get to know how awesome and wonderful you are. I know you are, too. This is like my last-ditch effort to say how I really feel about this whole thing, so now you will know how I have felt from the start. Maybe it will put it into perspective. I know we couldn't ever be friends now that I have written this, now that we have gone through this, but sometimes, when I lay awake at night, I think about what might have happened. I just wanted someone to talk to when I didn't have anyone. You just didn't want to be that person, and I wanted you to be so much. I wanted to tell you about my life, and for you to tell me about yours, but it just didn't work out, and I want you to know that it is totally my fault! I don't mean that in a hostile or sarcastic way, it is simply a fact that I am stating so that you will know, and so you won't blame yourself anymore.

If what you wrote is not about me, well, I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore. It seems like I am getting stupider and stupider everyday. I have all these hopes and aspirations, but if I keep acting like this who knows where I'll end up. Most likely not successful or loved by anyone, alone, broke, and deserving every minute of it. Who knows... I'm going to email her now. Wish me luck.

Arg, welcome to my life. Endless debates with myself and endless selfishness.

12:14 AM | 00.11.16

I shave with a Gilette Mach 3 and Gillette Shaving Gel. Why? Because, a long time ago my friend had a book that showed a bunch of cool stuff under a microscope. It had velcro, bugs, skin, and stuff like that. It also had pictures of human hairs. It compared a hair shaved with an electric razor and a hair cut with a regular razor. The one shaved with an electric razor was all messed up, it was all frayed and torn apart. The one shaved with a real razor was a perfect cylinder (crap, I can't spell tonight) with a very nice, clean, sharp cut on it. So, thats why I probably won't use an electric razor. Also, they are hella 'spensive!

Another day, another band practice. Well, actually that day was yesterday. We added another song to the repertoire (don't mind my horrible spelling) and went over our other stuff. We still sound loose and amateurish, but we are definately coming together more and starting to tighten up a bit. It is really cool, and it is only the 2nd official practice! I did videotape it, but I don't know how to hook up camera to computer (I need some special Sony thingy), so no video yet. Plus, the drums kind of drown everything out sound-wise, so it's not really the best medium. I just thought it would be fun to have, to watch when we are famous and millionaires. =P

Umm... I had a chat last night with my friend about how girls hate me. Hey! I'm not talking about all you people who read my page, because you actually know me, or maybe not, but I am talking about pure physical attraction. I know that it's what's on the inside that counts and all that, but it is nice sometimes to have a girl look at you and smile or giggle or something. Or even act glace at you at least, even if she proceeds to frown and vomits (which happens more than you may think). It doesn't help that I am really shy around people I don't know. I know I need confidence, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if the girls would actually show some interest, instead of going up to a girl who I know is not interested and trying to make her interested. *sigh* Don't try to convince me that girls don't hate me, because it is all true. I have moutains of evidence in my favor.

Well, enough whining for tonight. The Chicago thing is pretty much confirmed now. I am leaving with Nick early Tuesday morning, driving 6 hours to Chicago, and chilling there for the afternoon. Hopefully I can find a good Japanese restraunt, because it's been a while since I have sat down to a hot Japanese meal. The pot-luck banquet thing doesn't count because they didn't have SHRIMP TEMPURA! Oh god, I think I am having withdrawls! I need that stuff to live. It's just that good.

Next practice is Friday at our secret practice location. I might tape it (audio) and maybe... just *maybe* put some stuff up somewhere for everyone to listen to! That is assuming I figure out how to hook tape player to laptop. Later!

10:56 PM | 00.11.12

Now I rule.

Min Jung signed my pathetic guestbook! Well... today nothing at all happened. I woke up at 3 PM and proceeded to eat and sew. That's right, sew. I am horrible at sewing. I sewed some blue stripes on my punk rock black hoodie zip-up sweatshirt. I thought it was pretty boring being just black, so I put some blue around the hood, on the pockets, and now two stripes on each arm. It looks pretty retro-70's shirt-type, if ya know what I mean, which is totally what I am going for. That's about it for today, I still have to put away some clothes.

Yesterday I chilled with Katelyn and Eric, which was pretty cool. I also saw Charlie's Angels with Eric and Alecs (from Japan trip), and I thought it was pretty fun. It wasn't made to be really thought-provoking or anything, and didn't take itself too seriously, so the movie was able to have fun with the audience, which was cool. I also bought the elusive Ash figure from the Movie Maniacs line. Ash, if you didn't know, rules. So, I was playing with him and pulled his chainsaw arm off (which, by the way is *supposed* to come off), and the frickin' plastic peg thing on the end broke off in his wrist! So now, he has no hand. Also, his left arm is about to fall off his torso. All of this waiting for this awesome toy, and it starts falling apart on me the first day. *sigh* Oh well, life goes on.

So, this week is the classic "week before". There have been many "week before"s in my life. These are the weeks that come before a big event. The week before graduation, the week before the Japan trip, the week before coming back home for college, and now the week before Thanksgiving. I'm pretty excited for my pal Casey to come home from Pomona, since I haven't seen him since the beginning of July. We have some serious chilling to catch up on.

Hopefully I can survive this week, and next week I get some days off from work (maybe to see Less Than Jake in St. Louis! awesome!) and Casey comes home as well. I get paid this week, which I really need! I need to buy a new amp, and new guitar. Well, I'm off to fold clothes! Have fun with all your stuff this week, everyone!

P.S. - Pizzicato Five still rules!

12:33 AM | 00.11.06

My fingers and wrist hurt on my left hand. My right elbow hurts. This can only mean one thing: We had our first band practice yesterday!!

I am happy for many reasons right now, 1) the band practice was not grueling or annoying or tiring. I thought it might be boring playing the same songs, stopping because of messing up, etc, but actually none of that happened. I was excited to play songs for the fourth and fifth time. I didn't get pissed at any of my fellow bandmates because they were being annoying. Everyone was cool, and it was a really fun environment. 2) I am happy that we are actually doing this band thing! I thought it would be another one of our great ideas that we never did anything about, like the fanzine. Don't even ask about that one.

I am sooo excited about the band. Another thing about our practice was that we actually sounded... dare I say "good"? How about, "good for not ever playing with each other before". Also, we pretty much have everything taken care of, instrument and equipment-wise. The lineup consists of : Greg on vocals, Ryan on lead guitar and backup, Eric on bass, Scott on drums, and myself on rhythm guitar and maybe backup, if I ever get over this cough I have.

Well, just wanted to let everyone know about this. It is definately something I am really excited about! It could actually lead somewhere. I know it's kind of a farshot, but if we ever got signed, and started to tour... oh man. That would be my dream. I could travel the world, which is one of my dreams, and also play music and make lots of people happy. That would rule.

12:39 AM | 00.11.01

Tonight my pal Ryan and I fantasized about what would happen if our band got big. Big, like, world tours and being on TV and stuff. We decided we would have to keep it down to earth because getting an ego and big head would suck. I would personally beat any one of our members who did so. We also talked about taking breaks from each other, because I think touring with 4 other guys for months at a time would kind of make me tired of them. Not really sick, just bored with them. That sounds bad, but I don't know how exactly to say it.

I also got some new records today. I moved the record player back into my room so I could listen to some kick-ass vinyl. I have bought a ton of stuff in the past few days. Today I got a Pizzicato Five 10", Cibo Matto 12" remix album, and DJ Shadow's album. I don't know what it's called, but it rules. It has Organ Donor, which is one of my most FAVORITE DJ/sample/hip-hop music song things. It is also a 2-disc set, which is pretty cool. Cept I paid more for it =(

That's about it for today. At the Drive-In was on Conan tonight, and they were pretty good! Oh yeah, we also wanted to be on Conan =P

11:37 PM | 00.10.30

Just wanted to tell ya:

I was walking around at work today, almost ready to leave, and something just hit me. I have been a little down lately, just thinking about life and how it kinda sucks right now. Then, all of a sudden I realized that life ruled. Life kicks ass, and let me tell you why.

Life is the greatest thing in this whole world. It may suck sometimes, but don't get too down, because for every crappy thing that happens a lot more cool shit... oops, *stuff* happens.

Umm... that is about all I wanted to say. I got Evil Dead Trap today and it's really really weird, screwed up, and most importantly: good! I can't wait for Guinea Pig.